


Breakfast in Bed

by ana_kl



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, M/M, Mpreg, Post Mpreg, Romance, Series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25064515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana_kl/pseuds/ana_kl
Summary: i. Eliott's having an off day.ii. Lucas finds out that Eliott's pregnant before Eliott does.iii. Eliott and Lucas over 9 months.iv. They've only discussed marriage once before.v. France is in lockdown.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 20
Kudos: 59





	1. i

"Papa, Maman est triste... on peut lui apporter le petit-déjeuner ?"   
_("Daddy, Mommy is sad... can we bring him breakfast?")_

"Oui, bien sûr ; on prépare quoi, hein ?"  
_("Yes, of course ; what're we making?")_

"Faut que ça soit gourmand, Papa, Maman aime les tartines au chocolat... oh ! Et il adore le café au lait..."   
_("It has to be good, Daddy, Mommy likes toast with chocolate and he loves café au lait.")_

Lucas smiled as his and Eliott's son, Max, started gathering the ingredients they needed to bring Eliott breakfast in bed. It was still early; April showers fell steadily over Paris and muted sunlight was only just coming through, but Lucas already knew that Eliott was having a bit of an off day. Since Eliott found out that he was pregnant with their son, who had just turned five, the days on which he struggled to get out of bed were fewer and farther between, but he still had them. Eliott always felt terrible when it happened, thinking that he was the worst possible parent and he worried that his episodes of despondency would have a negative impact on their little boy. But Lucas had managed to explain early on to Max why his maman felt a little sad sometimes and needed rest in a way that he could understand. He had his own business consulting company and could do a lot of his work from home, so he did or took some time off to help take care of Max and Eliott whenever Eliott couldn't. He'd meant it when he'd promised Eliott back in high school that he wasn't alone and, seeing how Max would curl up next to Eliott for an afternoon nap whenever Eliott wasn't feeling like himself, it seemed like their son had taken up the same commitment. 

"Reste au lit, chéri," he'd told Eliott that morning, cuddling him and kissing him a few times before he quietly got out of bed to tend to their son.   
_("Stay in bed, darling.")_

After so many years and a baby together, Lucas knew Eliott's body as well as his own, if not better. He knew exactly how Eliott wanted to be kissed or touched when they were being intimate, knew that Eliott's bright smiles and melodic giggles meant that he was doing something he liked. He'd known that Eliott was really preoccupied by something a week before he told him that he was pregnant and he'd even started suspecting that Eliott might be when the smell of coffee in the morning made him feel queasy for the second day in a row. He could tell how nervous Eliott was when he told him and how relieved he was when his reaction was just to kiss him all over and tell him how happy he was that they were going to be parents. 

So of course, he'd known what Eliott's lethargy that morning meant, had already clued in the night before when he woke in the middle of the night to see Eliott standing at the large window in their bedroom, staring out onto the quiet street and the quieter, dark night sky. He'd known when he asked Eliott if he was ok and beautiful blue eyes looked back at him with a little guilt and sadness. Eliott hadn't said anything and just let the curtain fall back in place as he silently crossed the room, settling back in Lucas's open arms. When it really sunk in that starting a family was going to be the next step in their life as a couple, Eliott had been scared that his fluctuating hormones would make his bipolarity worse and Lucas had admittedly worried, too. Eliott had gone off the medication he usually took and the last thing he wanted was for things to get worse and stay that way once he had their baby, too. The opposite happened however, and when, while pregnant, Eliott went more than three months without feeling _too_ happy or _too_ sad, he'd cried and told Lucas, unable to keep a loving gaze or touch away from his growing abdomen for the rest of his pregnancy. He had mood swings -- he'd locked himself in their bedroom for two hours when he discovered that his favorite jeans no longer fit and Lucas said it was cute and had cried when the pasta and tomato sauce he'd been desperately craving just wasn't turning out how he imagined it would -- but they'd expected it and somehow, it all just felt so... normal. Lucas never stopped paying attention to even the slightest subtleties about his best friend and the love of his life, so he'd been ready when Eliott started feeling sad again and that morning, he'd quietly phoned to let his employees know that he'd be working from home that week. 

As much as he wanted Eliott to feel better, Lucas did cherish all the precious moments he shared with their son, even when it was just the two of them. Even at only five, he looked a lot like both of them; he had Lucas's sharp nose and Eliott's sparkly blue eyes and Lucas could see both their features in their son's. 

"Viens, Maxou. On va cueillir des fleurs pour Maman," Lucas smiled, holding his hand out for his son to take as they stepped out onto the balcony where Eliott kept their little garden.   
_("Come, Maxou. We'll go pick flowers for Mommy.")_

Eliott had started with some kitchen herbs indoors when he and Lucas first moved in; from there, he'd added some climbing vines outside, a tomato plant, white, red and pink roses and even some blue and deep violet hydrangeas. Flowers had always made Eliott happy -- he made little drawings and notes for Lucas and Lucas brought him flowers. He was even happier growing them himself; he'd told Lucas one time that knowing that he could at least take care of plants and teach their son how to do something useful made him feel as though he was finally contributing to their family. Lucas was glad that his beautiful partner had something he liked doing, but it also saddened him that Eliott couldn't see just how amazing of a parent he was, how much they both needed him. 

If any of Eliott's doubts were eating away at him today however, Lucas was determined to do everything he could to drive them away. 

Carefully, he cut the flowers that Max pointed out as rain water ran softly down the rooftops, placing them in a water-filled vase before they started preparing breakfast. It was simple -- toast from the loaf of bread they'd bought yesterday and a variety of spreads including of course the chocolate that Eliott liked so much. Lucas sliced some fruits and cheese to go with it while also preparing coffee lattes just the way Eliott liked them as Max stacked the toast on a tray. 

"C'est pas trop lourd ?" Lucas asked when they'd prepared everything, lifting Max off the countertop where he'd sat. "Tu es certain que tu peux ammener le plateau à Maman ?"   
_("It's not too heavy ? You're sure you can bring the tray to Mommy?")_

Max nodded, beaming as he took the tray in both hands, confident that he was strong enough to carry it from the kitchen to his parents' bedroom. Lucas smiled, following his son down the hallway. With the coffees, cheese and fruit in hand, Lucas carried the bulk of the preparations, but the much lighter toast and jams that Max proudly carried were the main feature... 

Eliott looked a little better when Lucas joined his little family; freshly showered and sitting on the edge of their now made bed in a long, high-neck cable knit sweater, Eliott just looked tired if anything. But regardless of how Lucas was pretty sure Eliott was feeling, Eliott smiled radiantly as he fixed an attentive gaze on and held their son, who was excitedly telling him all about how he and Papa had put breakfast together. 

As the rain kept falling outside, they had a cozy breakfast right there in bed.

"Maman, te sens-tu mieux ?" Max asked softly when they finished, looking up at Eliott from where he sat on his lap.   
_("Mommy, are you feeling better?")_

Eliott smiled, looking a little like he was going to cry as Max hugged him. 

"Beaucoup mieux, mon petit Maxou," Eliott kissed their little boy's forehead. "Grâce à toi et à Papa," he gave one of his bright, sunny smiles and Lucas knew that his beloved really did feel in better spirits.   
_("A lot better, my little Max. Thanks to you and Daddy.")_

A lazy day was what they needed, especially Eliott, and he and Lucas stole a few deep kisses in the hall as Max set himself up at the piano, ready for the daily lesson Lucas always gave him and that Eliott always loved to watch. Eliott still wasn't feeling quite like himself, even as he curled his legs under him as he settled on the sofa, warm coffee in hand as the first few notes sounded on the piano. But where he'd feel disgusted with himself, conflicted, confused and making futile efforts to feel better as soon as he could before he had all this -- Lucas, their life together, their son -- he realized that it was ok that he wasn't feeling his best. He smiled as he started on a little sketch on scrap paper they had on the coffee table, drawing as he listened to the rudimentary notes that Lucas was teaching Max on the piano. He didn't really know what a cross between a raccoon and a hedgehog would look like, but he found himself adding a little hedgehog to the family of three he'd sketched out. Lucas always told him that he was beautiful, that he didn't have to be anyone but himself. It was hard for him to really believe it sometimes, because how could someone like Lucas want someone like him, especially when he was at his worst? But when every day had a "Je t'aime" and kisses from Lucas and an excited "Je t'aime, Maman" from their son... it was hard not to feel like he could start loving himself, too. 


	2. ii

Something wasn't quite right with Eliott, although Lucas wasn't sure what it was. He had always been highly attentive to Eliott, picking up on the little cues and changes in his body language that preceded Eliott's depressive and manic episodes. And whenever they happened, Lucas stayed right by his side. When Eliott talked and flew from topic to topic so quickly that it seemed as though neither of them could keep up, Lucas just smiled and listened, finding his boyfriend beautiful as he went on, uninhibited. And when Eliott was the opposite: lethargic and melancholic without really knowing why, Lucas learned to be extra careful with him, to hold him, remind him that he was there and that he loved him even though he couldn't quite reach through the sadness that Eliott himself couldn't completely apprehend. He knew everything about Eliott and he loved everything about him. 

How Eliott had been acting for the last week corresponded with none of this. 

Normally, Eliott did have problems sleeping. When he was manic, he couldn't sleep at all and when he felt depressed, he slept too much. Now, it seemed as though he was struggling with an unprecedented mix of both. Lucas first realized that Eliott was suddenly getting up very early when he woke up shortly before the summer sunrise to emptiness where Eliott normally slept. Worried, he got out of bed himself to look for Eliott and found him sitting on their sofa in the dark. 

"Ça va, chéri ?" Lucas asked, worried. 

Eliott had managed a nod and a small, strained smile that looked more like a grimace. 

"Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas ?" Lucas frowned, unconvinced, as he wrapped his arms around Eliott and kissed his temple, joining him on the sofa. 

"Nothing's wrong," Eliott started and Lucas still wasn't satisfied. "...I just feel a little nauseous, I guess," Eliott finally conceded, knowing that nothing was going to get past Lucas. 

"Mmh...How long?" Lucas asked, gently rubbing Eliott's back as Eliott cuddled into his chest. 

"About a week," Eliott admitted sleepily. 

"A week?!" Lucas startled. 

Eliott blushed, biting his lower lip with a sheepish expression on his face. 

"I didn't want you to -- oh." 

"Sweetheart, what is it?" Lucas asked, concerned as Eliott suddenly tensed, sitting up quickly, a hand flying to his mouth. 

"I..."

Eliott was completely still, fixating on the floor for a long moment and worrying Lucas more and more. Just as Lucas was going to ask him again what was wrong, Eliott gave him an apologetic look as he gently but insistently pushed him away and ran down the hall to the bathroom. 

It was practically the middle of the night and Lucas sat frozen in shock, trying to process everything that had just happened before he got up and followed Eliott down the hall. He cringed as, from the other side of the door, he heard Eliott gagging. Not really sure what else to do, Lucas went to the kitchen and prepared some ginger and lemon tea with a few crackers. He wasn't sure that it was going to help, but he had to do something. 

"Have you been this sick the whole week?" Lucas asked softly when Eliott finally emerged from the bathroom, feeling a little better but looking pale and even more exhausted than before. 

"Not this sick," Eliott sighed. "I don't know... it might be the new medication. " 

Lucas pulled Eliott close, kissing his nose as Eliott leaned against his shoulder, tentatively sipping the tea that Lucas had made him. Over the last few months, Eliott had been put on different medications to help with bipolar disorder and while they helped -- his lows weren't quite as low and his highs not as high -- they did have side effects. This would be the first time that the pills, which he hadn't even been taking in high doses, made him feel sick, though. 

So Eliott wasn't sleeping well, but for very different reasons than usual and during the day, he felt so fatigued that he was reguarly taking two hours naps in the early afternoon, which seemed to do nothing. Lucas was worried, especially when Eliott's nausea seemed to get worse and came every day like clockwork, early in the morning and always at the same time. 

Lucas couldn't help looking up Eliott's symptoms on his phone one night as he waited for Eliott to join him in bed. Some of his symptoms did correspond with potential side effects of the medication he'd been taking, but he'd stopped taking the pills a few days ago and still, he felt unwell. Luckily, none of the more serious possibilities made much sense either. The only result that really fit with how Eliott was feeling was pregnancy. 

From the beginning of their relationship, Lucas had known that Eliott was among a small group of men who could carry. He'd always been very careful with Eliott when they were intimate, cherishing the beautiful boy's body for what it could do and doing everything he could to make sure that nothing happened until they were ready. But here they were and maybe they hadn't been as vigilant as they'd thought...? 

As Eliott slipped into bed beside him, Lucas didn't say anything about his research, but he couldn't help resting a hand over Eliott's abdomen as he pulled him close against his chest and kissed his shoulder from behind. Eliott was so tired that he fell asleep almost immediately -- a first for him -- but Lucas stayed awake much longer, unable to stop himself from gently feeling around Eliott's stomach for any visible sign that he might be pregnant. Eliott's frame felt as slim as ever and Lucas knew that logically, it'd be too early to see anything even if he was. But now that the possibility had been introduced, he couldn't stop thinking about it. 

They'd long since established that they were serious about each other and Lucas knew that there'd be no one else for him than Eliott. They'd bought an apartment in downtown Paris together, where they'd lived for the past couple years and it was a little spacious for two... Lucas's job in consulting was definitely kicking off and although Eliott had difficult days still, he was doing better. He ran a small blog that was starting to become profitable as he introduced his artwork and he'd made some commissions from it. And when work or day-to-day stresses became a little too much, he'd created his own garden space on their balcony where cultivating flowers and herbs brought him some peace. They hadn't talked about having kids just yet, but all things considered, maybe it wasn't a bad time...

It was past midnight and Lucas really should be asleep, but he couldn't stop his mind from racing or the smile that grew on his face as he pressed a soft, barely-there kiss to Eliott's bony shoulder. In the back of his mind, he knew that he was jumping way ahead, but if Eliott really was expecting and if he wanted to go through with this, then they were going to be parents...!

When Eliott woke up three hours later, starting his usual nausea-driven ritual, Lucas was pretty sure that he was right. 

\-----------

Discretely, Lucas became a cataloguer of Eliott's symptoms, building his case with each change he noticed in his partner's behavior. The cologne he normally wore now made Eliott sick, as did the smell of coffee in the morning. A couple days ago, Eliott had shyly asked him if he could buy some pickles on his way back from work; the request in itself was odd because as far as Lucas knew, Eliott didn't really care for pickles. But when he later found Eliott at the kitchen island mixing the pickles with vanilla yogurt, the last of his doubts about whether or not Eliott was pregnant faded. 

They definitely needed to discuss what was going on, but Lucas wasn't sure how to bring it up and furthermore, he wasn't even sure if _Eliott_ had any idea of what was going on. He genuinely didn't seem to know why he was feeling the way he was and the couple times that Lucas tried to bring up starting a family, vaguely and indirectly at first to try and get a sense of how Eliott would react, but nothing that Eliott said in reply gave any indication that he'd even considered that they might already be on their way to having kids. 

Lucas didn't want to pressure Eliott -- if, for some reason, he knew but wasn't ready to tell him yet, then he wanted Eliott to tell him only when he was ready. But as the days went on, with everything from back aches to absurd cravings to fatigue to crying over the ending of his favorite novel being added to Eliott's growing list of symptoms, Lucas was getting a little desperate to bring it up in conversation. 

"Darling, can I ask you something?" Lucas started, combing his fingers through Eliott's soft hair as Eliott laid on his lap, a cool breeze blowing into their apartment. 

Lucas had a day off from work and he'd spent most of it thinking about how he was going to have this conversation with his boyfriend. 

"Mmh?" Eliott turned his gaze to Lucas, looking tired and pretty... and maybe Lucas was overthinking this now, but he was pretty sure that Eliott was glowing a little. 

"Do you... Do you think you could be pregnant?" 

Lucas had planned to be a little more subtle, but in the end, he abandoned all the roundabout ways he'd thought of to ask. 

Eliott stiffened, sitting up immediately and backed away to the other end of the sofa, looking panicked. 

"Merde... chéri it's ok..." Lucas tried to calm Eliott down, not having expected that Eliott was actually scared to tell him that he was pregnant. 

"I...I don't know," Eliott finally said, relaxing a little but not much. "I-I might be," he bit his lower lip nervously, looking everywhere but at Lucas. 

"Hey..." 

Slowly, Lucas leaned in, gently covering Eliott's body with his own, bringing his hand up to gently stroke Eliott's sharp cheekbone. 

"It's ok if you are," he said softly. "If you are and you want to go through with this, then I want this with you, too." 

"...Really?" Eliott looked surprised as he met Lucas's eyes. 

"Yeah," Lucas smiled. "Why wouldn't I?" 

"We never talked about this," Eliott supplied, looking hesitant again. 

"We didn't talk about doing this right now, but I've always wanted kids with you," Lucas leaned down a little and kissed Eliott's nose. "It doesn't matter to me if we're going to have kids as long as you're sure you're ready." 

Eliott looked like he might cry as he smiled, wrapping his arms around Lucas's shoulders as Lucas kissed him deeply. Lucas let his hands wander to Eliott's abdomen, something he'd only done while Eliott was asleep until now and which he'd wanted to do openly for a while now. 

"Wait," Eliott couldn't stop giggling as Lucas kissed down his neck and across his shoulders, his hand never moving from where it lay. 

"Hm?" Lucas smiled, kissing Eliott's soft lips again. 

"I don't know for sure if I am," Eliott said softly.

"Then let's find out, mon amour," Lucas beamed, kissing Eliott again. 

Lucas made the ten minute walk down the street to Franprix, where he picked up a couple pregnancy tests and the chocolate cake Eliott had suddenly started craving. He couldn't stop smiling the whole way to and from the shop, wanting to tell the whole world that Eliott was more than likely carrying his child. 

Half an hour later, Eliott sat on Lucas's lap, eating the cake straight out of the container as they alternated kisses and bites of cake, both of them ecstatic when both tests turned out positive. 


	3. iii

**2.**

Eliott is already two months pregnant when he and Lucas find out. He doesn't really have a chance to take it all in because he feels sick almost all the time and when he's not feeling sick, he's too tired to do very much other than cuddle with Lucas on the sofa or read a few pages from a book before he falls asleep. The doctors reassure them that he's healthy and so far, it looks like their baby is too, but male pregnancies are always harder and everything is going to be amplified for Eliott. 

Lucas is ready though; he starts reading the pamphlets that the doctor gives them as soon as they get home and he's always been good at taking care of Eliott. He takes time off from work and works from home whenever he can because he can't do anything to make Eliott's persistent nausea go away, but he can be there for him when he doesn't feel well and make sure that he's eating whatever he can hold down. 

They try not to think about it too much, but they're both worried about how pregnancy will affect Eliott's mental health. He's been making a lot of progress, but his rapidly changing hormones could bring them backwards, and then some. He stops taking his mood-stabilizing medication because he doesn't want to risk hurting the baby. The doctors reassure them that they'll take things day by day, that some mood swings are normal and Lucas is more attentive to Eliott than ever. Eliott doesn't want to worry Lucas, especially because he knows how concerned Lucas already is, but he's nervous that his mania and depression will get worse after he gives birth. He tries not to do his own research online, but he's inevitably read a few articles about worsening bipolar disorder after having a baby. He's never hated this part of himself more, with the worry that his problems might mean that he isn't there for his child when they need him. 

He's also scared that he's going to pass it on to the baby and he really hopes that they mostly inherit Lucas's genes. 

Lucas keeps telling him that he's beautiful though, that he loves him so much, that he's so, _so_ happy that he gets to do this with him, that he hopes their baby takes after him. Eliott thinks that Lucas knows what frightens him the most, even if he doesn't say anything. Lucas has just always understood him like that. 

**3.**

Eliott finally starts feeling better mid-way through his third month and with his frame already so slender and tall, he starts showing. When he's dressed, his bump is invisible and it's barely there when he isn't. But Lucas, who knows his body so well, knows exactly where to settle his hands to feel it. It's easily Lucas's favorite thing to do, carressing Eliott's stomach and talking to it early in the morning when he thinks that Eliott is still sleeping. Eliott loves watching him and he knows that Lucas is going to be the best father their child could possibly have. 

Eliott starts feeling more energetic once the constant nausea stops, only it's not the scary, hyperactive buzz he feels whenever he has a manic episode. This is... nice. He feels more aware of his body, notices his hips widening only just the slightest bit to accommodate the baby and he feels more connected to himself. Lucas tells him he's glowing one evening, when they're enjoying the summer warmth on their balcony overlooking the Parisian streets. The warm gold light of the setting sun catches Eliott's natural highlights just right and brings out the dewy, rose glow that has stained his cheeks since the past week. It really sinks in for Lucas that the gorgeous boy in front of him is having his baby and he's so in love. Eliott picks up on the adoration in Lucas's gaze -- it's far from the first time that Lucas has looked at him like that -- and barefoot, he crosses the small concrete space to settle on Lucas's lap. Lucas kisses him and slides his hands under his shirt, neither of them caring if the people across the street can see. This is real, they're in love, they're having a baby and this happiness is all theirs. 

**4.**

They find out at Eliott's four month scan that they're having a boy. Eliott cries and Lucas cries too when they see their son for the first time, even if he comes out on the pictures the nurse gives them as more a grey-white blob on a black background. Whether they have a boy or a girl doesn't matter at all to them, but now that they know, it makes everything even more tangible... and they can start picking names. 

When Eliott feels their baby move for the first time, it's slight, flutters in his stomach and Lucas can't feel it yet. But he cries again when he tells Lucas and describes to him what it feels like. He's ready for others to know now, and he and Lucas tell their closest friends and family. 

Eliott also makes an announcement on his blog. His blog's not about his life; it's more a place where he posts his drawings, maybe shares a few of his thoughts and takes the occasional commission. But he wants to share this, so he posts an ink doodle he's made of a hedgehog and a raccoon cradling a swaddled baby hedgehog and captions it with "Dans 5 mois" and a little red heart. 

By the end of his fourth month, it's been exactly three months since he's had either a manic or depressive episode and it's the longest he's ever gone feeling totally calm and stable. The doctor explains that everyone's body is different; even if there are many cases in which pregnancy can exacerbate or even create mental health conditions, it's not unheard of and certainly not impossible that it might help. Eliott allows himself to hope tentatively: he's struggled with bipolar disorder for so many years and even almost let it get between him and Lucas a few times. It seems too good to be true that it would just go away like this. But just as there's nothing he can do when he gets really down or really high, the fact remains that in the last few months, the only times he's cried are when he and Lucas learn something new about their baby's development and when he rereads some of his favorite novels that make him feel more emotional than he's ever remembered. 

**5.**

"Baby's the size of a banana," Lucas says excitedly one morning over breakfast, as Eliott heads into his fifth month. 

He's felt so well emotionally over the past few months that he's been able to enjoy time in the kitchen (he kind of needed to take satisfying his particular cravings into his own hands, as well) and he's become a pretty good cook, surprising Lucas with coq au vin and ratatouille when he got home from work. He likes letting Lucas take care of him though and he really likes the banana loaf that Lucas made that morning. He got a clean bill of health at his last appointment, but he needs to gain a little more weight, which might not be as hard as he worried it was if Lucas keeps this up. 

Eliott blinks in surprise at the sudden exclamation, then he starts laughing as he puts two and two together. 

"Is that why you made this?" He smiles, gesturing to the loaf that Lucas had even garnished with sliced bananas. 

"...Maybe," Lucas grins, blushing a little. 

Eliott giggles, leaning across the table as far as his growing bump would let him. Lucas meets him half way for a kiss, carressing Elliot's stomach as he does. He would do anything for his two boys. 

"That's so sweet, Lulu," Eliott smiles, looking at Lucas across the table with hooded, starstruck eyes. 

His feet get a little swollen and achy sometimes now, so he's happy to stretch out his long legs and rest them on Lucas's lap as Lucas massages them while reading the newspaper. They both need this quiet intimacy.

**6.**

Eliott gets really clingy when he hits his sixth month and his sex drive goes through the roof. It happens so suddenly and it's so intense at times that he kind of wants to cry. It does/doesn't help that Lucas is so willingly responsive. He loves cuddling with Eliott, touching his now prominent bump. He can feel their baby kick now, too and he loves every moment of it. And every night, Lucas rubs coconut oil into Eliott's milky skin to help prevent stretch marks. So far, it's working, but it also makes Eliott a little hot and bothered... every time Lucas does it. 

He's never been embarrassed about his body and his desires, especially not with Lucas. But now, he does feel a little shy. His body doesn't really feel like his right now and he is a little self-conscious about the weight he's put on and his protruding stomach. Lucas thinks he's beautiful and makes sure he not only tells him but that he shows him too. Still, Eliott is a little torn between what he wants, how Lucas makes him feel and how he thinks he looks. 

Lucas wants him uninhibited, wants him to know how pretty he looks, pregnant with their baby, his cheeks a little fuller and his body just a little softer where before, it was mainly skin and muscle or bone. Eliott wants Lucas almost every day and Lucas is happy to satisfy him, even though his stamina's really being put to the test. He wants Eliott just as much as Eliott wants him though and he loves kissing Eliott all over, whispering to him how beautiful he is, how he loves him and watching him fall apart at his touch. 

He always holds Eliott afterwards; he always did before, too. Now though, they can usually feel their son kicking between them and Lucas makes Eliott so, so happy as he kisses his nose, his lips, his fingers and tells their son how excited he is to meet him. 

**7.**

When Eliott's seven months along, their friends talk about a baby shower. It seems the thing to do, but they're not sure if they should. Sometimes, Eliott doesn't really like parties and large gatherings; they're a little overwhelming, even when it's with their friends. So they ask Lucas first and Lucas asks Eliott how he'd feel about it, just a small gathering at their apartment with their closest friends. And Eliott wants to, smiles and tell Lucas that he'd like that. Maybe before, he'd be a little unsure and would be more reluctant, but now he's really happy. His baby makes him happy and he wants to share that with their friends. 

It's normal to tell the expecting mother how beautiful they look and maybe it's not always true, but their friends really mean it when they tell Eliott he looks radiant, because he does. He's absolutely gorgeous, even if he needs a little help getting up and sitting down. He'd started doing better when he and Lucas began dating and he'd improved in the months before he got pregnant, but he's thriving now. Both he and Lucas are prepared that he'll probably start having episodes again after their son is born, if not before, but they'll find a way to deal with it. Lucas is already developing his business remotely so that he can work from home on the days that Eliott can't cope and he's rehearsing how he'll explain to their son what his mother's disorder means, that he doesn't love him any less even on the days when getting out of bed is too much. He knows firsthand how perturbing and even frightening it can be to see Eliott in a manic episode for the first time. He's going to make sure that their son is prepared for it and that Eliott doesn't feel guilty the way he did with Lucas when it does happen. 

Their baby shower is a quiet, intimate event with their closest friends. There's not much to set up -- there's no need for any decorations with Eliott looking as lovely as he does -- but Lucas doesn't let Eliott lift a finger anyways. He's started putting together a nursery for their son that'll be his own bedroom when he's older and he and Eliott fill it with the clothes and animals that their friends give to them later that day. 

**8.**

By the time Eliott's eight months along, they've done almost everything they need to do to prepare. They've been to classes, they've got their son's room set up, Lucas has booked off the entire week before Eliott's due date and they even have a bag sorted for the hospital. 

They still don't have a name, though.

"Alexandre?" Lucas suggests, one hand on Eliott's bump as he goes through a book of baby names that Imane gave them. 

"Hmm... too common," Eliott says, leaning back into the pillows on their bed as his hands meet Lucas's.

"Jacques?" 

"Reminds me of Chirac..."

"Ignace?"

"No way, that sounds so old; he'll hate us for the rest of his life." 

"Ezè...Ehzi... Eze-ki-el...? Fuck, I can't even say this one..." 

They narrow it down to French names, at least and it's between Étienne, Raphaël and Gabriel. Eliott tends to overthink things though, so he's second-guessing their list. He goes through the book again while he's baking lavender shortbread and Lucas is at work. He knows a couple Mattéos, so that one's out and Maximilien sounds pretentious. But then he thinks "Max," and it sounds nice. 

He texts Lucas because he's excited about it and that night, when Lucas is massaging oil into his skin, he finally has something to call their baby.

**9.**

Eliott's due any day and he's getting a little impatient. He's tired, but he has a hard time falling asleep because he doesn't usually sleep on his side unless Lucas is holding him. And Lucas hasn't really been able to for the past few weeks because even though it's nearly winter, Eliott feels like their apartment is way too hot right now. He's uncomfortable, he wants his body back and most of all, he wants to hold their son. 

It's sometime in the early afternoon, a couple days before his due date, when Eliott tenses up a little. He's been getting these small contractions for the past couple months and they come and go, but this one feels different and he knows. Lucas keeps looking over at him, worried, as he drives them to the hospital, but Eliott doesn't really feel anything more until they arrive. 

Suddenly, everything's happening too quickly and too slow at the same time and Eliott can't really keep it together because it hurts so much. He's sitting stiffly on the edge of the bed he's been given, gripping the frame so tightly that his knuckles are white. He hides his face in Lucas's chest as Lucas stands in front of him and tries to focus on Lucas's hands soothingly rubbing his back, but it's getting to be too much. He starts to cry when a really intense contraction hits and he's not sure if he can do this anymore. The nurses are so nice to him, Lucas is amazing and Eliott knows that giving birth isn't _fun_ , but none of the classes they've taken or the books they've read prepared him for how painful it really is. 

His genetics as a carrier means that he _can_ do this, but his body is still very much male and everything is going to be harder and more painful. The doctors tell him that it might be a few hours still before he's ready, even though he already feels like his body is being ripped apart from the inside out. They encourage him to eat a little to keep his energy up, but food is the last thing Eliott can think about and he's already so tired. 

"Je t'aime tellement, mon chéri," Lucas kisses Eliott's hand softly as he sits at his bedside, wishing there was more he could do. 

Eliott knows that Lucas loves him, but hearing him say it helps a little because it cuts through the pain, if only momentarily. 

It's the early evening when his body is apparently ready, but he isn't. He feels like he's crying and screaming through an hour straight, until it hurts so much that he can't even make a sound anymore. He feels like he's going to faint several times and he worries that he's going to break Lucas's hand, then Lucas is crying and kissing him and the doctors are congratulating them and he hears his baby for the first time. 

He wishes that he did, but he doesn't remember much afterwards, only relief that it's finally over and how gross it really is that their baby is that slimy, but how perfect he is anyways. 

He sleeps for what feels like days, even though it's only a couple hours, and when he slowly wakes up, it's to Lucas cradling their newborn baby in his arms. He's smiling as he stands by the window, quietly telling their son how much his Papa and Maman love him already, how beautiful his Maman is, how he's not exactly sure what he's doing, but he's going to be the best father he can possibly be. 

Eliott wants to watch them longer, but he's too tired still and he falls asleep again, to the soothing sound of Lucas's voice and their baby's occasional hiccup. 

\-------------

Their son lets them sleep through the night for exactly three days once they bring him home, then they're woken up at least once every two hours. Lucas goes to get him so that Eliott can rest, but most of the time, it's Eliott that their son wants anyways. An apologetic looking Lucas brings their fussy baby back to their room and they're both exhausted, but Eliott still loves the late nights. He was scared holding their son for the first time, realizing how real this is and how much responsibility he now has. It's been a while since his last episode, but he knows it'll happen sooner than later and he doesn't know if he can trust himself sometimes. But Lucas trusts him and, when he's often the only one who can calm their son down, he thinks their son trusts him, too. 


	4. iv

Eliott's moods remain stable even after he has Max. He tires very easily and neither he nor Lucas are getting much sleep, but they're happy. Their first couple weeks as parents, after they take Max home, are a mix of late, interrupted nights and early mornings and Lucas thinks that Eliott is so pretty when he sits on the sofa in the early morning light, cradling their baby, cooing at him and singing softly.   
Lucas knows that Eliott still worries about his mental health and whether or not he's going to be a fit parent to their son. He knows why Eliott worries, but he also doesn't, because Eliott is so good with their baby. It's obvious how much he loves Max and even when Lucas can't manage to calm him down when he's fussy or wailing in the middle of the night, Eliott always seems to know what he needs. The attachment goes both ways; sometimes, it seems like their baby is crying just because he wants Eliott to hold him and his tears will be replaced by happy giggles as soon as he sees Eliott. Lucas can't blame their son; Eliott has the same effect on him. 

They're in their own bubble in which time doesn't matter and all they need is the little family they've created. 

After they've had two weeks just to themselves, they start inviting others in. Their friends first, and as Eliott leans a little against Lucas, smiling as he watches Idriss hold their son and tell him how he's going to be the best uncle ever, Lucas doesn't know if he's ever seen Eliott happier than he is now. He kisses Eliott softly -- their friends are used to their intimacy in public -- because he knows that Eliott's getting tired already and because he loves him so much. 

Lucas's mother comes to visit next. She's a grandmother now and even though he'd had a hard time with her in the past, even though there were things he didn't understand, Lucas wants her to be in his son's life. Eliott does, too. They meet her at a small café a few blocks away from their apartment and it's the first time that Eliott's properly been out since having Max. It's also one of the first times he's had coffee since he found out that he was pregnant and he's only a little embarrassed when he moans over a café au lait. 

"So," Lucas's mother smiles as she holds her grandson. "Will there be a wedding soon...?" 

Lucas and Eliott know everything about each other and they even have a child now. They're married in everything but the legal ceremony, but her question still makes Eliott blush. Lucas goes a little red too, but he thinks seriously about it even when they're headed back to their apartment. Marriage isn't necessary for them, because they know how they feel about each other, know that there's no one else and sorting out documents after their son is born isn't even as complicated as they'd expected. The so-called sanctity of marriage also seems like a parody of love when this fundamental human right is still denied to so many. Still, Lucas has never really asked Eliott if he wanted to get married: the only time they've talked about it, Eliott was in a manic episode and on top of that, it had been the first time that Lucas had seen him that way. Lucas thinks that it'd be nice; the icing on the cake to put a ring on Eliott's finger. Convention isn't really Eliott's thing and Lucas thinks he'd like black pearls better than diamonds. 

He asks Eliott what he thinks about marriage that night as they lay in bed together, as casually as he can. 

"Hmm..." Eliott idly traces his finger along Lucas's chest as he thinks. 

Lucas rubs his lower back slowly, reassuringly, just in case Eliott's also thinking about the one other time they've had this discussion. 

"I don't think I need it to know I love you," Eliott smiles, propping himself up on an elbow as he looks at Lucas a little dreamily. "But I think it would be nice," he kisses Lucas's chest. 

"Yeah?" Lucas grins, suddenly warming up to the idea of marriage especially now that he knows that Eliott wants it too. 

He takes Eliott's hand and kisses it, then rolls them over so that he can kiss at Eliott's neck. It makes him laugh, like bright sunshine and clear water over polished rocks and Lucas doesn't know how he's this lucky. 

They're not in a rush to get married and when he does propose, Lucas wants to do it properly. But somehow, as they kiss giddily and make wedding plans, and he knows that Eliott's completely with him this time, it kind of feels like he already has. 

\---------

It's once everyone in their entourage has met their baby that Eliott seems a little sad. Lucas knows him well enough to know that it's not a full on episode, but he's still worried because maybe it still is, but the medication he's started taking again just in case has made it less intense and most of all, because Eliott's sad. 

"What's wrong, mon amour?" Lucas asks on a quiet morning. 

Eliott just finished feeding Max and now, he's cuddling him as they sit out on the balcony together. He looks lost in thought and forlorn, even though Max is in his arms. And sometimes, it takes a while for Eliott to open up to him if he wants to at all, but this time, it doesn't take long before he tells Lucas what he's thinking. 

"...I don't have anyone," Eliott started. "He...He won't have grandparents on my side..." 

Lucas just pulls him closer and kisses him, running a finger over their now sleeping baby's soft cheek. 

Eliott hasn't been in contact with his family for years and it's better that it stays that way. They're not... supportive, to put it lightly and Lucas has spent many nights holding Eliott as he cries over the latest thing his parents have done or said to him. It's for the best that Eliott goes his own way, but Lucas knows that it still bothers him sometimes, wondering if he should give his family a chance even though they've hurt him countless times. Now that they have their own child, even though he's still a baby, Lucas knows that Eliott's been second-guessing himself more than ever. It can't be any easier now that they're making rounds with their family and friends. 

"He won't," Lucas finally concedes, pulling Eliott a little closer. "But he has us. He has everyone around us. He has you," he kisses Eliott again, because as little as Eliott might think of himself, as scared as he is that he's going to mess up, he's everything that their son could possibly need. 

He's everything that Lucas needs. 

Lucas doesn't have a ring yet. He doesn't even know how exactly he'll propose or when. He does know that there's no one else he'd rather share his life with than Eliott. He knows that Eliott's made him the luckiest man in the world, by loving him, giving him a son. When they do get married, it'll just be for the world to see what they already know. 


	5. v

From one day to the next, France, like the rest of the world, goes into lockdown. Superficially, Lucas and Eliott's lives don't change that much: it's been a while since Lucas has moved a lot of his work to home so that he can help Eliott with Max when Eliott's not feeling his best. Max isn't old enough for school yet, so Eliott stays home with him most of the time. Still, they do go outside and Lucas knows that the sudden limitations -- not being able to spend more than an hour outside a day, having to fill out a form every time they leave the apartment and amplified isolation -- are going to be taxing on Eliott's mental health. The circumstances are sudden and difficult for anyone, but they could make existing mental health issues worse. Lucas is especially attentive to Eliott and although he knows that sometimes, he can't do anything to reach Eliott when he's really down or really high, he knows that he can still do some things to make things easier.

Eliott's doing surprisingly well, though. Since confinement began, he's had a few days on which he's not had the motivation that gets him out of bed on most days to work on his drawings and play with their son. Most of these times, it's when it's grey and rainy outside or the news, which they keep up with on a need-to-know only basis, is particularly discouraging. On those days, Eliott just needs to take things a bit slower, put work aside for a moment, stay in bed a little longer and let Lucas take care of him. Their son is there for Eliott too: when Eliott's depressed, sometimes it's hard even for Lucas to get through to him and Lucas doesn't hold it against him. He just wants Eliott to know that there's nothing that he can do to drive him away. But Eliott always lets Max in. He's admittedly never up to much when he's on a low, but he always lets Max join him in bed for cuddles and a nap, always wants to hear about his day and listen to him tell him excitedly what he wants to draw next. The only time Lucas needs to keep Max away is when Eliott's having a manic episode; especially since he's started taking medication, the episodes aren't so perturbing anymore. They mostly manifest as late nights during which Eliott can't stop writing or drawing, most of it nonsensical and eclectic, yet somehow thought-provoking and aesthetic. Eliott's shy about some of these -- when he has a manic episode, he mostly locks himself in the spare room they have that doubles as his studio because he doesn't want Max to see him like that. He lets Lucas see them though and when he gathers the courage to post some of them on his blog with a little accompanying reflection about what it's like to have bipolar disorder, they end up being some of his best sellers. 

He hasn't had any manic episodes since confinement started though, and that makes it easier for all of them because Max needs his mom and Lucas doesn't want Eliott to feel like he needs to hide himself away. 

They have a new routine and sometimes, Eliott has more difficulty with change and stress than the average person, but he's adapting well, especially because Lucas and Max make it easy. They start their morning with an hour outside; their walks feel a little militant because they can't go far from their apartment, everyone's crossing the street in symphonic, chaotic and improvised choreography to avoid getting too close to each other. Most people are wearing masks; they do, too and Eliott is collaborating with a company on the other side of Paris to create animal designs that can be embroidered onto kids' masks. They've also asked Eliott if he'd consider working with one of their writers to make illustrations for a children's book on the pandemic. He's thought about it and after spending an afternoon with his son on his lap, sketching a raccoon demonstrating proper handwashing and in five frames, a hedgehog explaining the importance of social distancing, even if it means not being able to visit family and friends, he accepts. 

Maybe he can write a book on having a parent with bipolar disorder one day. 

They cut their hour out in half on their weekly grocery runs, but they've managed to create a makeshift football pitch in the hallway for Max and Eliott has developped such a lovely balcony garden that they don't miss the outdoors. When it's nice, they spend the evening on the balcony; neighbors get creative with entertainment and apparently, there's an opera tenor down the street who's been serenading the block every other night. When it's rainy, the three of them curl up on the sofa: Max will bring out his collection of books and sit on Lucas's lap so he can read them to him. Eliott makes them tea and hot chocolate for their son, then he'll lean against Lucas's shoulder and even though they're reading kids books, he'll get immersed in the stories because it's Lucas who's reading them and he just loves the sound of his voice. 

Between the two of them, they're doing pretty well in coming up with activities to keep their pre-school aged son entertained indoors. Eliott colors with him and the one day he decides to teach Max how to use artist's charcoal and pastels is an adventure, to say the least. When he's not working, Lucas reads to him and since travelling is out of the question for the next while, they read about a different country every week. They video call Lucas's mother every day; Eliott knows that Lucas worries about her and he does too. He knows maybe even better than Lucas how much worse isolation can make things. But just as Max brings him so much joy even when he's not sure that he can face anyone, he seems to bring the same cheer into her life too, and Lucas and Eliott love the little boy they've made together so, so much. 

In normal times, they spend a lot of time together -- Lucas always makes time for his family and Eliott always wants whatever time he can give them. They've been really intimate recently, though. They're intimate often, but something's more intense and they'll both wake up with teeth marks and bruises from where one bites into the other to keep quiet with their son's room just down the hall. Now's definitely not the time, but when the world's healthy again, maybe they want to have another baby. After how sick he got with Max and how much pain he was in during his birth, Eliott knows that Lucas won't ask him to have another child, so he'll have to tell Lucas that it's what he wants. But they have a long time to think about it and for now, all they really need is each other. 

Max asks them questions about what's going on and they're as honest as they can be with a five year old. They do have a bit of a Google panic moment when they realize that their son is going to ask them why they can't go to the park anymore, why football's been canceled, why everyone's wearing masks and they know that because the president says so wouldn't satisfy anyone. It helps when Eliott lets M. Lapin, Max's favorite stuffed rabbit, wash his paws every time they have to wash their hands.

Like the rest of the world, they're not really sure where any of this is going, but as with everything else, they'll be able to get through it together. Eliott's blog doesn't really cover his personal life, other than the pregnancy and birth announcement he made and sometimes a little update he feels like sharing. Maybe he'll write a bit more about this so that others know they can, too. 


End file.
